The Things I Can't Do (but I think I Can)

I can't decorate a cake

I can't 

I can't do a chocolate drip. It's supposed to look messy but it looks like shit

I can't do a buttercream. I don't even know the differences between them. Italian, French... fuck em' all.

I can't ice a cake. And when the buttercream is shit, there's no way the icing will be any different than shit.

I can't even unmold a cake. And I spent $30 yesterday in a stupid mold.

I can't boil water and sugar. Well, I can, but I can't do anything with it afterwards.

I can't work with chocolate, no matter how good or expensive it is.

I can't use an offset. I can't use a scraper. I can't use a cake comb. A Turntable? I can't

I can't pipe. I did it once. I can't now

I can't say no

I can't make meringue. Can't tell if the peaks are soft or hard. Can't tell which one I like better: the French, the Italian or the Swiss. Fuck em' all

I can't crack an egg. I can't crack an egg

I can't keep it clean. I can't keep it organized. I can't plan. God, I can't plan. And I'd love to do it.

But I can't.

Is it my brain? Is it my chef? Is it my mom? Is it my wife? I guess it's me.

Gotta do it again. Gotta buy some more. Practice they said

Practice baguette, practice croissant. Practice the cake, practice the eclair. 

Remember the pastry cream? I failed so many times. And everyone made it look so simple. Until I finally made it. Can I make it now? I doubt it.

Always trying to challenge myself. Who cares? Always trying to break a record. Perfect GPA. Perfect assistant. Far from perfect, really.

Can't make a baguette unless looking at the videos. Can't make a croissant unless being guided. Can't make an eclair unless it's a $40.000 oven.

Thanks you, chef. But what did I learn?
How to tie my apron. How to wear my tag. How to clean my mess. How to be weird. How to compare myself to others (don't do it? yeah, right!). How to blame myself. How to be one more. How not to be a liability. How to know I don't belong.